Introducing Siblings To A New Baby: Relationship Building Skills
An excerpt from Hidden Messages: What Our Words and Actions are
Really Telling Our Children by Elizabeth Pantley, Contemporary Books,
2001.
Barbara and Anwar are proud and happy: today, they’re bringing
Emma home-a brand new baby sister for Claire. Soon, for the very
first time, Claire will look into the eyes of her baby sister, of
whom she’d surely become passionately enamored. At just three
years apart in age, the girls are bound to become friends and playmates
in no time at all, and the very first moment of their lifelong bond
is just a doorknob’s turn away. The rush of emotion that so
often accompanies parents through pregnancy and the postpartum phase
threatens to overwhelm the well-meaning parents as they approach
the front door.
Barbara’s mother greets tiny new Emma at the threshold with
the same happy tears and open arms that seem to greet the baby everywhere
on these, her first days. Although she’s already seen the
tiny cherub at the hospital, Grandma can’t resist plucking
her out of Barbara’s hands for a cuddle and coo. A while passes
before Grandma hears quick breaths behind her and feels the plaintive
stare of a wary child. She turns to see Claire peering around the
corner, eyes huge in her tiny face. “Come see your new sister,”
Grandma chirps cheerfully.
As Claire makes her way to the baby, Grandma peels back the blanket
to reveal a tiny, red…something. “What is THIS?”
Claire thinks. She knew the baby wouldn’t be born as a big
three-year-old like herself, but she’s never seen anything
quite like this! A wrinkly, bleary-eyed raisin of a sister, a fascinating,
blinking, breathing being presently regarding her big sister with
the searching eyes unique to infants. “A brand-new people,”
she thinks. “Emma. My LITTLE SISSER. Emma.” She rolls
the baby’s name over her tongue, liking the sensation. “This
kid’s gonna love me. I’d better start teaching her stuff
right away, so we can play…” she thinks, half to herself
and half out loud.
As her peanut-butter-covered fingers reach out to the baby’s
face for a preschool-style welcome, Grandma intercedes. “Ohhh.
Careful, honey. We don’t want to get the baby all dirty. And
your hands, they might have germs…” Claire sheepishly
pushes her sticky hands into her pockets; she should have known
that, she guesses. Shouldn’t she? She leans over to peer at
her baby sister, the wonder of it all apparent in her eager face.
“Hi, little sisser.” Claire tentatively says, “I’m
your big…ah…ah-CHOO!”
Grandma quickly moves the baby away, and Mommy appears with a tissue.
“Oh, dear, you have to be careful not to sneeze on the baby.”
“Okay,” Claire absently answers. “Mommy, can
we go to the park?”
Barbara hugs her big girl and tells her, “Maybe later, honey.
Right now, Mommy has to feed the baby.”
As Barbara settles in on the sofa and her cherished task of breastfeeding,
Claire climbs up next to her, favorite book in hand. “Mommy
read to me?” Claire asks as she hands the book over to her,
looking for her free hand but finding both filled with Emma.
“Not now, honey. The baby is just learning how to do this,
and I need to concentrate.” Barbara shifts and turns in her
seat, seeking the best position for her and the baby. Claire gets
out of the chair, sensing that she’s in the way. She stands
a safe distance away, wondering what Mommy’s milk tastes like-she
can’t seem to remember-and imagining her soft arms around
her.
As baby Emma falls into a blissful post-nursing sleep, Barbara
gently lays her in the pretty new cradle. Not a minute later, Claire
comes roaring through the room with her new plastic airplane, one
she’s sure will delight her little sister. But Barbara’s
soft but swift admonishment grounds the action mid-flight. “Shhhh!
Don’t wake the baby, sweetheart.”
Claire drops her airplane and peeks into the cradle. Those eyelids-they
look almost transparent! She’s just reaching in to touch them,
and all those other body parts so fascinating in their newness,
when Anwar rushes over. “No, no, Claire. Don’t touch
the baby’s eyes. Uh…why don’t I read to you?”
He pulls out a new book he picked up in the hospital gift shop,
appropriately titled A New Baby in Joey’s House. As Anwar
settles into the chair with Claire, he tells her how lucky she is
to have a new baby sister to play with. Claire, quiet without knowing
quite why, looks forward to hearing if Joey can actually play with
his baby sister.
Hidden Message
“The new baby is a special, fragile, precious person-much
more important to us than you are. From now on, everything you say
or do will be affected by her presence. From now on, she comes first.”
Think About It
The whole postpartum scenario produces a confusing whirl of emotions
that envelops everyone in the household in those first tender weeks.
In our instinctive drive to keep newborns from harm, we often become
overzealous. Thus we protect the baby, but not her sibling’s
feelings, driving a wedge between them from the very beginning.
The words and actions we use to shield our infants inadvertently
seem defensive, accusatory, and negative to our older children,
who often do not, or cannot, communicate the hurt. If they are beyond
two or three years in age, siblings may perceive that they should
be happy at such a time but may be perplexed as to why they may
also feel sad.
When we brought home our newest baby, Coleton, our son, David was
already a bright and talkative seven-year-old, young enough to feel
the impact of this newcomer, but also old enough to voice his concerns.
A few days after we came home from the hospital David and I were
eating breakfast together. Coleton was in his typical place-in my
arms. David was unusually quiet when he suddenly glanc
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